Hello everyone, been a while since I reviewed something, hm? Well with thanksgiving around the corner I figured I may as well sit down and review something that was suggested to me FOR APRIL FOOLS DAY. What is it you ask? A PETA game. And everyone who knows this one exists just groaned inside, I know it. So, let's take an honest look at Cooking mama: The Unlicensed PETA Edition.
So how does this game open? A scream and the background bleeding. Cooking Mama herself is holding a dead turkey by the neck, she's also bloody, and then the blood flows over her and her logo, the logo of this game is the Cooking Mama one and there's a little purple tag up at the top left that says "The unlicensed PETA edition". This version stars a cooking mama who is seemingly sadistic, and loves to torture animals, at least that's the vibe I get from her throughout. Just because I like meat doesn't mean I hate animals.
For those not familiar with the game play style of cooking mama, it's a Wii, DS, and 3DS game series, all of which are basically minigame collections about cooking a meal for... I dunno, your husband? Yourself? Just cooking for fun? People do that, right? I dunno. Anyhow, the PETA verson is a free flash game you can play online, controlled by your mouse and it's left button, and there are two options, start the game or get bonuses, which you have to play the game to get. And I'm not sure how in depth the games from Nintendo proper are, but this game breaks the minigame collections down as "recipes."
The first game in the PETA version is plucking a Turkey hanging from a hook, too many feathers. Although you can't pluck all of them off, some are just there and will be for the rest of the game. The music between the minigames is pleasant. Couldn't focus on the stuff in the minigames because I was focused on the minigames in question.
If you complete whatever minigame you're on in a timely fashion, you get the rsnk "Meaner than Mama." And your score is based on how much of the objective you completed and how much time was left. I also feel it pertinent to point out that the turkey is bleeding all throughout the game, that it's a sloppy mess of blood and the entrails are hanging out. That isn't how it gets served, Get your shit together.
Anyway, the next part of it is removing the organs from the Turkey and putting them in a bowl, which is done sloppily. (There's still organ bits and a vein or something visible, the vein in question is poking out of the hole), then a fact about turkeys that is actually disturbing, so credit there, PETA. I'm not telling you what it is, nor am I spoiling the bonuses, go play and see.
The next part is a stuffing recipe. You crack some eggs in a bowl, The fifth one of which I was having trouble with, but that's not important, what IS important is that there was blood and feathers in the eggs, which means they were fertilized before they were used I think. No one is gonna wait until they are big enough to have feathers even if they DO use fertilized eggs, ya numb nuts. And the second Minigame for this recipe is mixing the eggs, some butter... I couldn't tell what the other things were. But four little mixing bowls are poured in a bowl and mixed Stuffing made. Now you stuff the bird, which inflates with every blob of it you jam in and then you cut the Turkey's head off. The final game in this segment is oven cooking it, and the creature has burns and bubbles all over it's flesh, it's guts are still hanging out in places also, still some feathers and some of the stuffing poured out of the hole again. So it looks gross.
And now the Gravy Recipe, you chop the Turkey's neck into thirds, it's like the minigame earlier where you chop it's head off, but there was one where now you do it three times. Following that, you mix the neck and organs, some butter, some veggies and... again, no idea what the fourth thing was. The last minigame is pulling feathers, bits of veins and a fucking turkey's foot from the gravy. No one is this stupid, game. None puts the Tukey's god damn foot in there. Point is though, after that you see the meal completed, gravy, stuffing, and all. And it's gross, such is the point of this propaganda game.
After this, for no reason (The game says it's "Because of you") Cooking Mama is now a vegan and you unlock a soy recipe. Up to this point in the game, Cooking Mama had blood all over her but now she's PRISTINE, No blood, no stains, nothing. Which is bullshit because if she was getting blood all over her before, logic would dictate she'd still be super sloppy. Not even a a white splatter from soy/tofu.
But let's talk about this recipe now, you start with a block of Tofu, break it down, shape it, baste it, and oven cook it. Oh, and now, instead of "Meaner than mama" you get "Better than mama" if you do the minigames in a timely fashion. And the game ends on a very interesting fact about turkeys that's just interesting, not grim. Again, not spoiling it, play the game. But after that, there's a picture of Vegan mama hugging a Turkey, and the turkey is happy and then there's a rainbow. So happy ending, I guess.
To sum up, this is PETA piss-taking Nintendo. This game has been on the net for a while. So yeah, pretty much everyone knows about it, everyone knows it sucks because it's propaganda and a somewhat uninformed variant of it. So yeah. Let me end this review with a verdict and a quote:
Verdict: Get eaten by a T-Rex.
Ce-Web-rity Quote/Paraphrase: "WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT?!" -- Armored Skeptic. (Video forgotten)